2014

2014 by far, has been the worst year for me, for my parents, my siblings. i dont know how things went out so stupidly terrible but things happened. my parents got divorced. i myself heard how my dad wanted to talk about it with mom but she refused and how dad let her go (divorce her) 

i guess my baby sister heard it too. at that moment i just dont know what to feel, how to react and what to say. i got so confused that i barely even know who my parents are. i mean, what happened to them? how could things turned up so fucking damn bad? 

then my dad move out from that house. i watched he packed his things and how he walked away. 

months after that, i realized that this is the best for mom, for everyone. i hate to say this but things were bad when my dad was around. but fuck yeah who the hell wants two addresses? who the hell wants to celebrate raya in two different places? who the hell wants to hear mom asks to visit dad often? 

but we survived. and even if things will become worst again, we will survive. 

then i heard about dad's getting married again. thats when i really dont know what to feel. i wanna feel hurt, but i think that if he wants it, then it's his choice. he's... lonely. 

but then again, i thought that, am i supposed to go? to his wedding? how could i go? how could i watch my dad getting married to the woman i dont know? to the woman who has children? what will they feel? are they gonna feel hurt, too? how shall i react? what would mom feels?
18 years of living i never thought i would be thinking about this.

come to think of it again, i actually dont care anymore. i feel like just following the flow. i'll do whatever i have to do.

maybe bcs i just dont know what else to do.

...

ada suatu saat di dalam hidup,
aku berhenti dari mengharapkan apa apa
aku berhenti dari tersenyum manja
aku berhenti dari mencipta ketawa
aku berhenti dari mengharap mungkin akan tiba bahagia
aku berhenti dari melakonkan gembira

aku putus asa

it's been so long since i last posted anything here, maybe because everything's just so fucked up i cant even put it into words

but thats ok
i'll be fine
we'll be fine


i just dont know when

last post for 2013.

there are passages in my book that i know them by heart
and those are the ones that i wrote about you

there are sentences that i know them by heart
and those are these love letters that i've wrote
but never did have the valor to place it under our bed covers

there are words that i know them by heart
and i've been carrying them on a piece of folded paper
with your name on it
in case that one day i am no longer here to grow old together

and yet at the end of the day, i will always think of you
reading my passages, my words and my letters of;
how many of them were read aloud
how many laughs 
how many tears are shed
or how many are never to be opened at all

because even if they get burned, lost or forgotten
all of the passages and sentences and words that i know them by heart
will always be there
and will always be about you


aku pergi, aku tak akan muncul lagi depan kau,
cuma satu, biar aku sayang kau diam-diam, dan tiada siapa yang tahu
biar aku simpul kemas dalam hati, sorang-sorang
aku lebih bahagia begini.

--penerimaan, yang sakit.

01:19 AM. 15/10/2013.

--

SPM 2013.

ya Allah. permudahkanlah urusanku.

amin.