2014

2014 by far, has been the worst year for me, for my parents, my siblings. i dont know how things went out so stupidly terrible but things happened. my parents got divorced. i myself heard how my dad wanted to talk about it with mom but she refused and how dad let her go (divorce her) 

i guess my baby sister heard it too. at that moment i just dont know what to feel, how to react and what to say. i got so confused that i barely even know who my parents are. i mean, what happened to them? how could things turned up so fucking damn bad? 

then my dad move out from that house. i watched he packed his things and how he walked away. 

months after that, i realized that this is the best for mom, for everyone. i hate to say this but things were bad when my dad was around. but fuck yeah who the hell wants two addresses? who the hell wants to celebrate raya in two different places? who the hell wants to hear mom asks to visit dad often? 

but we survived. and even if things will become worst again, we will survive. 

then i heard about dad's getting married again. thats when i really dont know what to feel. i wanna feel hurt, but i think that if he wants it, then it's his choice. he's... lonely. 

but then again, i thought that, am i supposed to go? to his wedding? how could i go? how could i watch my dad getting married to the woman i dont know? to the woman who has children? what will they feel? are they gonna feel hurt, too? how shall i react? what would mom feels?
18 years of living i never thought i would be thinking about this.

come to think of it again, i actually dont care anymore. i feel like just following the flow. i'll do whatever i have to do.

maybe bcs i just dont know what else to do.

...

ada suatu saat di dalam hidup,
aku berhenti dari mengharapkan apa apa
aku berhenti dari tersenyum manja
aku berhenti dari mencipta ketawa
aku berhenti dari mengharap mungkin akan tiba bahagia
aku berhenti dari melakonkan gembira

aku putus asa

it's been so long since i last posted anything here, maybe because everything's just so fucked up i cant even put it into words

but thats ok
i'll be fine
we'll be fine


i just dont know when

last post for 2013.

there are passages in my book that i know them by heart
and those are the ones that i wrote about you

there are sentences that i know them by heart
and those are these love letters that i've wrote
but never did have the valor to place it under our bed covers

there are words that i know them by heart
and i've been carrying them on a piece of folded paper
with your name on it
in case that one day i am no longer here to grow old together

and yet at the end of the day, i will always think of you
reading my passages, my words and my letters of;
how many of them were read aloud
how many laughs 
how many tears are shed
or how many are never to be opened at all

because even if they get burned, lost or forgotten
all of the passages and sentences and words that i know them by heart
will always be there
and will always be about you


aku pergi, aku tak akan muncul lagi depan kau,
cuma satu, biar aku sayang kau diam-diam, dan tiada siapa yang tahu
biar aku simpul kemas dalam hati, sorang-sorang
aku lebih bahagia begini.

--penerimaan, yang sakit.

01:19 AM. 15/10/2013.

--

SPM 2013.

ya Allah. permudahkanlah urusanku.

amin.

seketika

untuk seketika,


aku juga mahu tahu bagaimana rasa dicari.

susah

seperti kebiasaannya

apabila kita melihat bahagia orang sekeliling kita
kita juga mahu rasa
apa itu yang sebenar bahagia

tanpa kita sedar
mungkin bahagia mereka cuma pura-pura
mungkin di dalam mereka terselit luka yang dalam bernanah
mungkin bahagia mereka sekadar di muka
atau mungkin mereka simpan luka yang tak tertafsir


apa jadi kalau kita tetap pilih untuk derita
sedang yang tenang ada?

kita mungkin ambil keputusan untuk terus lupa
tapi hati kita bukan kita yang pegang
dan untuk terus hapus suatu perasaan
-susah

amat susah.

terlalu susah.

.

I'm done trying.




I'll let go.

bodoh gila

kau tahu

sakit sangat rasa dia

terlalu--

sampai satu masa aku rasa macam bodoh sgt
bodoh gila babi
kau tak faham, takkan pernah faham.

mungkin selamanya aku macam ni
tiap malam berteman kopi yang kian dingin
bersama bunyi kipas yang berterusan memusing
mungkin hidup aku juga aku terus berpusing

berpusing dengan tujuan yang tak siapa tahu
berpusing tanpa hala tuju
hala tuju yang sepatutnya bawa aku ke kamu

bodoh la.

gi mati la kau.

.

" --and I come in here, and 

I sit in silence and

hear the echoes of who we used to be.


And so I wish for patience, and grace,

and the strength to just let him be happy.


That's the toughest part--

letting go, you know?





and that's the part of grace that really sucks."

.

"aku rindu kau"

"ya? terima kasih"

aku senyum.

rupanya aku hidup cuma seorang.













kau telah hilang

never

you're gone

you've forgotten

i don't 

i can't 

terlalu

kau tau, 

rasa ni parah

kau jauh

tiap hari aku ingat masa kau dekat

tiap hari aku ingat kau

"kau rindu dia?"

"terlalu."

tak nak

aku kata aku should let go

tapi aku tak nak

tak ingin

tak pernah

hai sayang

soalan aku, ada pernah kau fikir aku macam aku fikir kau?

aku rasa tak ada
aku rasa tak pernah

kau tau, 
jadi aku ni perit 
jadi aku ni membosankan
hidup aku membosankan
my life is such a mess
i'm a mess

tiap hari aku rasa benda sama
tiap hari aku cakap benda sama
pasal kau

aku rasa diri aku pun muak dengan aku
tapi aku tak letih
aku tak jemu 
aku tak bosan, fikir kau
aku tetap si pungguk 
aku masih si bodoh yang penuh dgn harapan
si gila dgn rasa yang tak pernah padam
untuk kau

tak pernah padam

let go

"I didn't come here to rehash the past. I was reminded today, in a roundabout way that, the most perfect act of love is sacrifice. That's what Keith did for Karen. Burying his feelings for her, for all those years, so he could a good friend. I love you, Lucas. And I think I have since the first moment we locked eyes. And its gonna suck! But if what you want is for me to let go, then I'm gonna do it. Oh be happy Luke. I want that with all my heart." - Peyton Sawyer, One Tree Hill.


let go. thats what i'm gonna do.

Vampire Weekend - Ottoman

Wah saya jatuh cinta dengan band ini. Jatuh...

Ainul gembira.

hitam

aku cuma mahu jadi asap kelabu dalam hidup kau. beri kau sesak nafas.
beri kau maki hamun aku yang datang entah dari mana.
untuk sekali lalu.
kerana sesudah itu kau akan terus lupa, biar pergi kepul kepul hitam itu terbang mencemar dunia.
supaya tak akan aku terikat pada momen suatu masa dulu.
supaya kau terus lepas ikatan pada aku.
supaya kau terus buang aku.
supaya kau terus biar aku terbang seperti kepul kepul hitam itu.
dan selamanya hidup
dalam dunia kelabu.

apa ni

blog aku macam wtf

Birdy - People Help The People

Rabu, 7 November, 2012.

Hari ini aku pulang. Aku genggam gugus kunci di tangan. Aku pulas tombol pintu rumah perlahan. Sunyi. Tak ada yang lebih sunyi selain rumah aku. Aku seorang. Jauh aku pandang dinding merah jambu kosong bilik aku. Dengan berapa keping gambar gambar indie kesukaan aku ditampal. Aku terfikir seseorang. Sudah lama ya tidak aku bersua mata bersama. Sudah lama ya aku tidak lihat senyuman manis yang tidak pernah lupa yang dikasi ke aku, suatu masa dulu.

Terfikir aku lagi, kenapa ya aku terfikir dia?
Kenapa ya, Tuhan kurnia perasaan ini ke aku?

Jauh mana pun kau tersorok, jiwa aku sentiasa mencarik menconteng nama kau.

Of Monsters and Men - Little Talks (Live on KEXP)

Ini tahap wajib dengar! Hehehe bye